Slayer Beauty
by Kat Hawkins
Summary: A cliched little parody with a Buffy and Angel twist. First in the 'This Hellhole Called Sunnydale' series
1. It starts

Slayer Beauty  
  
A/N: The whole slayer-fairy tale thing has been a little overdone, I know. But it's fun, writing these thingies. Also, MAJOR Riley bashings in here. I, for one, never did like the poncey bugger. Also also, I will be narrating this. Please expect our favorite vampires with souls to be doing fairly crazy things.  
  
Summary: A really screwed up version of Sleeping Beauty.  
  
Pairings: B/X, some S/D (Spike and Drusilla, not to be confused with Spike and Dawn), mild A/C, and W/F  
  
"OK, on with the bloody story!"  
  
Shut up, Spike! I'll get to it. Let me finish rambling first.  
  
Ok, NOW the sodding story begins.  
  
Once upon a time, in the not to distant past, there was a lost kingdom called Sunnydale. Clichéd, I know, but just bear with me here. This IS a fairy tale, after all.  
  
Anyway, the king and queen were very lonely. They had wanted a child for many years, but had never succeeded. Unfortunately.  
  
"Can we get on with this? I want to get on with the bloody story."  
  
Calm down. And I would appreciate it if you would not talk to the nice audience until AFTER you are properly introduced.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
Please ignore him. He's pissed that I won't let him hook up with Buffy.  
  
Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted.  
  
At last, the happy couple's wish was granted. They were given a baby girl.  
  
"Aaaww! Wes, isn't she the cutest little thing you've ever seen?" Fred cooed happily. The baby giggled.  
  
"Well, she needs a name," Wesley said.  
  
"OK, how about Elizabeth?" The resident seer, Cordelia, suggested.  
  
Um, that IS Buffy's real name, but would you like the slayer to be called Elizabeth?  
  
"You're right."  
  
Thank you. Now, please continue.  
  
"Alright. How about Buffy?"  
  
"Alright."  
  
"I can deal with that."  
  
Murmurs of agreements came from the onlookers, who were more commonly known as the Fang Gang.  
  
"Ok, I now dub you Buffy!" Fred cried happily.  
  
And that, my friends, is how the story starts. Now, on to the really interesting part.  
  
"We gotta have a party!" Cordy suddenly exclaimed.  
  
"Good idea! I'll prepare the guest list!" Lorne cried.  
  
3 hours later...  
  
"OK, I'm done," Lorne said.  
  
"Took ya long enough," Cordy grumbled.  
  
"OK, we got everybody, I think."  
  
"Did you invite Harmony?" Angel asked.  
  
"No."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Did you get Darla?"  
  
"Yes. I thought it was a good idea, that way she doesn't go all evil on us. Harmony can't really do anything but annoy us."  
  
"You do have a point there," Cordelia said.  
  
2 weeks later...  
  
The party was in full swing. All the residents of Sunnydale (minus Harmony) were attending, and all was good.  
  
"Ahem!"  
  
Right. Sorry. Then, the three good fairies...  
  
"Fairies?"  
  
All right, fine. The three good VAMPIRES entered. These vampires just happened to have magic powers.  
  
"That's better."  
  
Can I get ON with it now?  
  
"If I say no, will you hurt me?"  
  
Maybe.  
  
"Ok, fine. Yes, you can go back to the story."  
  
Thank you. Now, as I was saying, the three good vampires were Spike, also known as William the Bloody,  
  
"Hey!"  
  
Angelus, also known as Angel, and Drusilla, also known as Dru. There. I introduced you. Now, will you bloody shut up?!  
  
"Yes."  
  
Thank you. Cor, bloody vampires. I never get any appreciation around here. *narrator wanders off mumbling obscene things about 'those bloody ungrateful vampires.' 


	2. The witch

A/N: Sorry for lack of updates. Got a little sidetracked. Anyway, let's clear a few things up. I know it's confusing right now, but it will become clear...er in later chapters. Now, here's chapter two of a really REALLY twisted fairy tale!  
  
Now, when we left off, the party was in full swing. Then...  
  
A gust of wind blew the doors open.  
  
"I didn't get an invite to this little get-together?!" Harmony screamed, outraged. "Hello! I am supposed to be the Belle of the ball! Mrs. Narrator person!"  
  
Yeeeeeeees? *innocent look*  
  
"Why wasn't I invited to the party?" she wined.  
  
Because I needed an evil witch to curse Buffy.  
  
"Oh. OK."  
  
Yeah. Anyway...  
  
"I think I will give little Buffy a gift. On her 15th birthday, She will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die!"  
  
"That was a bit unoriginal."  
  
Hey! I had to stick to the original story! It's not my fault.  
  
Wes sighed as Harmony stormed out of the castle.  
  
"Can you three do something about this?"  
  
"Maybe. We can't break the curse, but we could probably lessen it." Spike said.  
  
"Thank you. We really appreciate it."  
  
"Of course ya do, luv. 'Swat we're here for."  
  
"The stars and moon say that the pretty princess will sleep until her true love comes. They also say that the Panthers will win the superbowl." Dru said, smiling lightly.  
  
"Wow. For Dru, that was incredibly lucid. But what do the bloody Carolina Panthers have to do with anything?"  
  
Just don't ask. Save your sanity - or what's left of it - and don't ask.  
  
"All right."  
  
Good boy.  
  
"Wes? I have a plan that would keep Buffy safe, at least for a while."  
  
"Yes, Angel, you can take her into the woods to live in isolation until she is 15."  
  
"Thanks, mate. We better get going before the bloody sun comes up."  
  
"See ya in 15 years!"  
  
"They're not coming back, are they?"  
  
Not for a while. The next chapter focuses on you guys.  
  
A/N: Next chapter: Buffy is grown up and she learns about her real parents. 


	3. Schemes, plotting, and spying

Disclaimer and notes in chapter 1.

A/N: Sorry! Sidetracked and writer's block. Finally got an idea for this, but I don't know what I'm gonna do for the next fairy tale. If you've got any ideas, please put them in your reviews.

15 years later...

Buffy skipped - yes, skipped - down a garden path, stopping occasionally to converse with the animals she met along the way.

Back at the cottage...

Angel and Spike were arguing - again -, while Dru danced around the small cottage singing, completely oblivious to the bickering going on between her childe and sire.

"Going to be a party tonight," she sang happily.

(I don't feel like writing the arguement right now. If you all are REALLY good, I MAY write a flashback that explains it).

"Mrs. Narrator-lady?"

Huh?

"Can you magic us up a dress? Neither of us knows how to sew, and knowing Dru, she'd prick everyone and everything by the time Buffy got back," Angel explained.

sighs Alright. But just this once. You guys are on your own with the cake. says something in Latin under her breath and a blue dress appears

"Thank you!" Spike and Angel chorused.

Back in the woods...

A young prince rode swiftly down a trail...

"I am NOT singing," Buffy stated.

You are if you want a decent part in the next one.

"Well, what's the next one?"

Uh, I don't know yet. I'm making this up as I go along, ok?

Buffy sighed. "You're never gonna give me a straight answer, are you?"

Nope. Let's get back to the story. SING.

She huffed. "One question: Do I have to sing "Once Upon A Dream"? I hate that song!"

Yes. Now sing.

Flatly "I know you. I walked with you once upon a dream."

Sarcastically Yeah. That'll attract the prince. With feeling, girl!

"Forget it. I'm not singing anymore."

Then Prince Xander rode up on his white stallion.

Crickets chirp

I SAID, "Then Prince Xander rode up on his white stallion"!

Back at the cottage...

Dru was, as always, completely oblivious to what was going on around her.

Spike was trying in vain to bake an edible cake, while Angel was hanging decorations.

"Do we have to take her back tonight? I really liked having her around. She lightened the place up a bit," Spike said, while mixing various ingredients.

"Spike, I've told you this before. We only had her for 15 years. Now, she goes back to Wesley and Fred. And she learns about her heritage. We have no control over the situation," Angel explained as he was trying to pin a streamer into a beam in the ceiling. "Besides, Giles is going to explain the whole Slayer deal to her. That should prove to be fairly amusing."

Back in the woods...

Xander FINALLY made it to the clearing where Buffy sat, pouring her heart out to the woodland creatures.

"...Uncle Angel and Uncle Spike have been acting really weird lately. Aunt Drusilla has been her usual kooky self, but that can't be helped.

"It's weird. Like Uncle Angel and Uncle Spike know something is gonna happen, and they don't want it to. They've been extra protective lately. Especially Uncle Spike. It's like he's afraid he's gonna lose me. I don't know what to do about it. Every time I try to tell him to back off a bit, he just pretends like he didn't hear it. But I can see it in their eyes. They know something," Buffy said.

Xander watched, intrigued, behind a tree.

"And they wanted me out of the house today for some reason. I think it's because of my birthday, but all three of them are so absent-minded I'm surprised they actually remembered. I don't think that's it. Maybe they're gonna kill each other and they didn't want me to see the battle," Buffy pondered.

A/N: Next chapter: a meeting, a party, and a reunion. See ya!


End file.
